Spankin' the Asphalt Monkey

Millions of Americans spank the asphalt monkey every day. They bump and grind their way across millions of miles of petroleum waste, scarring our country with noise, CO2 , anger and wasted eons of time. Why do we insist on this strange form of locomotion?

Isn’t the answer obvious? We love the freedom of choice. We love the joy of burning rubber, of violently slashing in front of slowpokes, screaming anonymously at the jerks of the world. I love it as much as the next guy or gal. But we’re turning this whole planet into a pressure-cooker. Something has got to be done to stop global warming.

The alternative sources of energy, such as bio-diesel, electric and hybrid cars and solar panels and wind generators, have a bad rep because Eco-greenies radicalize the issues surrounding these new technologies. The easiest way to prevent NYC from being flooded in a hundred years from now by the rising oceans (caused by all the arctic ice melt in the polar regions caused by a warmer planet) is easy to do: anybody who lives less than 5 miles from work should be required to walk to work. It is so easy to walk any distance under 5 miles.

Think of all the millions of people in America and other industrial countries who could easily walk to work but refuse to do so. How much extra time would it take? An extra hour or two at most. There would be tremendous health benefits and people would see the world more intimately as they walked to work. I think it is a beautiful solution and we should all get together and make it happen. Even pass laws if necessary. The people who would be forced to walk to work would eventually thank the lawmakers for the new lifestyle and new, cleaner, more balanced, friendlier world.

This is not a crack-pot solution; it only seems like one because we ALL HAVE BEEN CONDITIONED TO BE ADDICTED TO OUR MOVING METAL CUBICLES. If we can be de-conditioned from this activity, CO2 emissions would be greatly reduced, the inner-cities and clogged suburbs would be quieter and less hectic, and millions of people walking instead of driving would create a much more intimate, friendlier world.


Spankin’ the Asphalt Monkey

That’s all I do all day long. It is a hard long road.

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